Conflicted am I, of how to respond...
Once we were lovers.
You kept me safe and warm.
Our love was a garden,
With a few weeds here and there -
Normal, quaint, secure, and beautiful;
It lacked all malice and didn't require much care.
But then a fire, sprang to life.
It destroyed all growth and happiness.
The ashes left only anger, pity, strife...
Within the destruction, we tried to sow anew.
A few blossoms flourished,
But weeds of bitterness grew...
For you were the one to start the fire.
And it was difficult to forget;
Your responsibility to the end of our sacred place -
Now only home to regret.
And as the thorny vines of hatred,
Crept towards the fresh blooms,
They choked out all hope,
Once again, making our garden only a tomb.
For then it dawned upon me,
That while the spark you did light -
I had planted the weeds, and created the kindling
That fed the fire that night.
And when you did repent, and tried to plant again -
I let those vines grow back.
The fault was mine that our garden did end.
Years since, we've tilled the soil,
In the hope that life returns...
Day by day we prune and trim - slowly
Trying to regrow love, among the scars and burns.
With patience, and tender care -
Forgiveness has blossomed,
It's sweet scent rides upon the air.
Love flows like rays of sunlight;
Kissing every inch with warmth.
Life has returned upon this place -
It has become the center or our home and hearth.
But conflicted am I; that is the weed of the hour.
It has such hateful thorns,
But a crown of love, like a flower.
For while our garden is springing back to life -
You've started playing with matches again -
The sparks of betrayal cut like a knife.
For you know how easily sparks can start a fire.
You've seen the pain they have caused -
And yet, to rid yourself,
You seem to lack the desire.
When will the fire stop burning within your soul?
When will they be put away from your sight?
Do you not see, that our garden;
Is at risk for a wild fire tonight?
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
More Nightmares; Of Wolves and Lions
When I was little, I had horrid nightmares. And a lot of them were reoccurring. I wont go into too much detail, but let me just say, they were gruesome, and when I have shared them with people, their faces become quite a shade of pale not often seen.
The past two months, I havent slept well, and these nightmares from when I was a child, have come back - but this time - my subconscious is aware of what will happen within the dream, and no matter how I change my actions, in order to change the outcome within the dream, calamity still hits... horror still strikes like a venomous viper at one's heel.
But last night's nightmare... it was different. It was the same as when I was a child, but with a few tweaks...
It was a big evening carnival, with family, friends, and church family. We were all at an amusement park, playing games, having snacks... someone had the brilliant idea to play football, but since we couldnt find one, we used a tennis ball (yes I know it's not foot ball, but it sure made it a lot more fun, and more difficult to grab in the air, and then when it rolled away, people trampling each other to get this tiny greenish yellow fuzz ball, was just hilarious!!) I would like to say, the very first difference in the dream, was that I used to be a child in it, but now... I was an adult, partaking in the adult fun... before, as a child, I was alone, sitting and watching all the joy and chaos, and no one was around or would pay attention to me feeling like I was being watched...
This time, in the middle of playing and tackling someone, I had the same strange feeling - something wasnt quite right. I turned to look around and thought I saw something over by the roller-coaster support beams. Something small, but I couldnt quite make out what it was. So in typical horror movie fashion, I let someone know I'd be right back and went to check on this thing by myself.
This figure moved from behind the support beams, to inside the cabin area where all the controls for the ride, reside. The lights went on, and then suddenly, began to flicker - after all - this was an old roller-coaster, and an old theme park. By time I got to the control room, I was shouting as I went, "Hello? Is everything alright?" - and then I heard this giant smash! I jumped, did a sort of tuck and roll, and then ran into the cabin thinking someone needed help... but no one was there, just broken glass, and tuffs of fur.
I started to touch a bit of fur, and investigate the weirdness of the scenario, when the hairs on the back of my neck started to rise... I heard a growl - so deep and dark it felt as if the belly of the earth was in murderous rage.... cowering below the broken window in the control cabin, I saw a large, massive, dark figure of fur and malice walk past the shattered window. It was a lion; but unlike any lion seen at a zoo or safari. If I were to stand up (and I am 5'8'') my head would barely hit it's shoulder blades... it's face was tattered and scarred, as if it had wrestled with death and was now death's master... the eyes were soul piercing black and when they met your gaze, could swallow all innocence inside of you. His claws pierced the ground, and left destruction wherever it went... This was no ordinary lion. It as dark, evil... and out to devour. As a child, when I met this lion, I would hide and try to stop breathing so it would pass by... I was so small and clumsy - every attempt to sneak out of there and run away, it would find and hunt me down... but I was just small enough to hide under a beam, or duck out of the way - but now... I was no longer small, now I was no longer nimble or fast... still clumsy, but fat, slow... and a much bigger target at 5'8'' vs 3'6''....
The lion turned the corner, and went out of my vision. So I stood, up silently and crept out of the control box... until my foot crushed a piece of shattered glass. That growl, and snarl came swiftly. I panicked and ran, the lights flickered this way and that, and all the while I could hear the lion on my heels. The choice came upon me to either run back to everyone else, or to keep running and try to find a place of safety. But there was no place of safety, there was no where this lion could not follow my scent, there was no place his talons could not pierce. I decided to run, back inside one of the larger rides... the kind where they loop you around and around, like a hall of mirrors, except you're in a wooden maze. That was my choice. I hoped desperately I could loose this thing, hoped I could live long enough to warn the others.
It worked... I had lost the lion, or it had lost me... I waited a bit to be sure it was gone, and when I was confident, I ran back to everyone else. I tried to interrupt the game - I tried to tell everyone that this thing was out here and we had better get to a place of safety, or weaponry... something, anything, other to sit and play around like dogs fighting each other over a ball, or bone. As a child, there had been less people there, this time as an adult, there were many... as a child, a small few would console me, but I'd still be ignored... as an adult, I was quickly passed over or made fun of for trying to cheat or end the game by telling ridiculous, exaggerated stories. But that growl... it came back, and shook the ground beneath us all. We had been found, and we were not found at the ready; but found vulnerable... found splintered, found bickering... and lacking in unity. We were lacking in all direction and order.
Some of us ran, and were consumed by the darkness surrounding the edge of light that had encircled us... other charged head on to this lion and were swiped out of the way by his ferocious paws, almost as if we had been nothing more than a fly to a swatter. Some huddled in groups but singled themselves out from everyone else and made themselves easier targets... some, including myself, ran to find places of safety - perhaps back under the beams where I found refuge as a child, and could possibly find it again now...
Those who stayed were consumed, and those who stayed to fight, fell... those who ran for safety, scattered and became easy pickings - falling to this beast, one by one... I nestled beneath the support beams, and felt incredibly child-like again... before I had a sensation of fear, but I was too young to actually grasp the gravity of everyone else falling around me. Now, I not only had great fear, but great, immense sorrow... what could I do.. I had no weapons, I had no long term hiding place... most of the reinforcements I would have relied on, had died. I thought of my family. I couldnt leave them alone, I had to find them... stay together. I fashioned some crude arrow-like spears out of some rusted iron pieces I found, and some old wood.
The park had become quiet; unnaturally still. The wind billowed about, but even that seemed; unearthly and strange. I walked up higher and higher, around and around, through the wooden maze of the coaster... Some mesh was covering a repairman's ladder entrance to the side, but it was torn and billowing in the wind. The moon's light sparkled against the black of the mesh and I cautiously opened it... nothing. The snarl and snap and growl was back from the lion. I could hear him; so very close! I jumped on the other side of the mesh, and prayed he would walk right by.... he did. He prowled right by me, I was hidden for a moment... The lion walked down the wooden pathway; I made the unfortunate mistake of leaving my place of safety before he was fully gone. The wood creaked; he turned, I was in his gaze. My back was against the balcony I had no where to go, except jump to my death, or fall to this lion. He crept towards me, his mouth salivating at another death. He leaped, and pounced; pinning me to the wood - his claws pierced my flesh - deeply into my shoulder - I had no escape. His jaws opened to snap off my head in one foul swoop and crunch - this is when, as a child, I would wake up.... but not last night, last night, as the heat of this lions breath was upon my face, and his jaws opened to consume me....
Another Lion's roar was heard! A bright light, so piercing and blinding it made my bones ache from exposure to it's rays, accompanied the roar! The heavens burst open, and shook... the ground beneath broke free and the air became so oxygenated my lungs almost burst with renewed breath! This other Lion was twice as big as this first, it's muscles rippled beneath the fur and skin, in such a way, you could see each individual working muscle move with each step. It's mane was of pure gold - it's teeth, were like ivory needles... the claws were diamonds, fashioned to shred all enemies to dust. This Lion, grabbed the first by the throat, and threw it off me with one blow! The battle was on. Each lion knew victory could only be obtained by the defeat of the other...
I rode the golden Lion's back, down to the ground for safety... and it charged the other lion away. When I was on the ground, and the golden Lion had me behind Him, guarding me... I could see all the fallen brothers and sisters, friends, family... on the ground... but they didnt look like they had previously. Some were dead wolves.... some were dead lions... The golden Lion roared, and out of the park, came more lions... all at His side... I myself became a lioness ... The first dark lion roared, and out of the shadows came a legion of small lions, like him... twisted, full of malice and hate... with an urge to destroy. Both lion prides stood their ground, the first lion's claws dug into the earth as he took his pouncing stance.... The golden Lion growled back and rolled His shoulders... preparing to attack.... Then, I woke up.
On That Day Ministries -
The past two months, I havent slept well, and these nightmares from when I was a child, have come back - but this time - my subconscious is aware of what will happen within the dream, and no matter how I change my actions, in order to change the outcome within the dream, calamity still hits... horror still strikes like a venomous viper at one's heel.
But last night's nightmare... it was different. It was the same as when I was a child, but with a few tweaks...
It was a big evening carnival, with family, friends, and church family. We were all at an amusement park, playing games, having snacks... someone had the brilliant idea to play football, but since we couldnt find one, we used a tennis ball (yes I know it's not foot ball, but it sure made it a lot more fun, and more difficult to grab in the air, and then when it rolled away, people trampling each other to get this tiny greenish yellow fuzz ball, was just hilarious!!) I would like to say, the very first difference in the dream, was that I used to be a child in it, but now... I was an adult, partaking in the adult fun... before, as a child, I was alone, sitting and watching all the joy and chaos, and no one was around or would pay attention to me feeling like I was being watched...
This time, in the middle of playing and tackling someone, I had the same strange feeling - something wasnt quite right. I turned to look around and thought I saw something over by the roller-coaster support beams. Something small, but I couldnt quite make out what it was. So in typical horror movie fashion, I let someone know I'd be right back and went to check on this thing by myself.
This figure moved from behind the support beams, to inside the cabin area where all the controls for the ride, reside. The lights went on, and then suddenly, began to flicker - after all - this was an old roller-coaster, and an old theme park. By time I got to the control room, I was shouting as I went, "Hello? Is everything alright?" - and then I heard this giant smash! I jumped, did a sort of tuck and roll, and then ran into the cabin thinking someone needed help... but no one was there, just broken glass, and tuffs of fur.
I started to touch a bit of fur, and investigate the weirdness of the scenario, when the hairs on the back of my neck started to rise... I heard a growl - so deep and dark it felt as if the belly of the earth was in murderous rage.... cowering below the broken window in the control cabin, I saw a large, massive, dark figure of fur and malice walk past the shattered window. It was a lion; but unlike any lion seen at a zoo or safari. If I were to stand up (and I am 5'8'') my head would barely hit it's shoulder blades... it's face was tattered and scarred, as if it had wrestled with death and was now death's master... the eyes were soul piercing black and when they met your gaze, could swallow all innocence inside of you. His claws pierced the ground, and left destruction wherever it went... This was no ordinary lion. It as dark, evil... and out to devour. As a child, when I met this lion, I would hide and try to stop breathing so it would pass by... I was so small and clumsy - every attempt to sneak out of there and run away, it would find and hunt me down... but I was just small enough to hide under a beam, or duck out of the way - but now... I was no longer small, now I was no longer nimble or fast... still clumsy, but fat, slow... and a much bigger target at 5'8'' vs 3'6''....
The lion turned the corner, and went out of my vision. So I stood, up silently and crept out of the control box... until my foot crushed a piece of shattered glass. That growl, and snarl came swiftly. I panicked and ran, the lights flickered this way and that, and all the while I could hear the lion on my heels. The choice came upon me to either run back to everyone else, or to keep running and try to find a place of safety. But there was no place of safety, there was no where this lion could not follow my scent, there was no place his talons could not pierce. I decided to run, back inside one of the larger rides... the kind where they loop you around and around, like a hall of mirrors, except you're in a wooden maze. That was my choice. I hoped desperately I could loose this thing, hoped I could live long enough to warn the others.
It worked... I had lost the lion, or it had lost me... I waited a bit to be sure it was gone, and when I was confident, I ran back to everyone else. I tried to interrupt the game - I tried to tell everyone that this thing was out here and we had better get to a place of safety, or weaponry... something, anything, other to sit and play around like dogs fighting each other over a ball, or bone. As a child, there had been less people there, this time as an adult, there were many... as a child, a small few would console me, but I'd still be ignored... as an adult, I was quickly passed over or made fun of for trying to cheat or end the game by telling ridiculous, exaggerated stories. But that growl... it came back, and shook the ground beneath us all. We had been found, and we were not found at the ready; but found vulnerable... found splintered, found bickering... and lacking in unity. We were lacking in all direction and order.
Some of us ran, and were consumed by the darkness surrounding the edge of light that had encircled us... other charged head on to this lion and were swiped out of the way by his ferocious paws, almost as if we had been nothing more than a fly to a swatter. Some huddled in groups but singled themselves out from everyone else and made themselves easier targets... some, including myself, ran to find places of safety - perhaps back under the beams where I found refuge as a child, and could possibly find it again now...
Those who stayed were consumed, and those who stayed to fight, fell... those who ran for safety, scattered and became easy pickings - falling to this beast, one by one... I nestled beneath the support beams, and felt incredibly child-like again... before I had a sensation of fear, but I was too young to actually grasp the gravity of everyone else falling around me. Now, I not only had great fear, but great, immense sorrow... what could I do.. I had no weapons, I had no long term hiding place... most of the reinforcements I would have relied on, had died. I thought of my family. I couldnt leave them alone, I had to find them... stay together. I fashioned some crude arrow-like spears out of some rusted iron pieces I found, and some old wood.
The park had become quiet; unnaturally still. The wind billowed about, but even that seemed; unearthly and strange. I walked up higher and higher, around and around, through the wooden maze of the coaster... Some mesh was covering a repairman's ladder entrance to the side, but it was torn and billowing in the wind. The moon's light sparkled against the black of the mesh and I cautiously opened it... nothing. The snarl and snap and growl was back from the lion. I could hear him; so very close! I jumped on the other side of the mesh, and prayed he would walk right by.... he did. He prowled right by me, I was hidden for a moment... The lion walked down the wooden pathway; I made the unfortunate mistake of leaving my place of safety before he was fully gone. The wood creaked; he turned, I was in his gaze. My back was against the balcony I had no where to go, except jump to my death, or fall to this lion. He crept towards me, his mouth salivating at another death. He leaped, and pounced; pinning me to the wood - his claws pierced my flesh - deeply into my shoulder - I had no escape. His jaws opened to snap off my head in one foul swoop and crunch - this is when, as a child, I would wake up.... but not last night, last night, as the heat of this lions breath was upon my face, and his jaws opened to consume me....
Another Lion's roar was heard! A bright light, so piercing and blinding it made my bones ache from exposure to it's rays, accompanied the roar! The heavens burst open, and shook... the ground beneath broke free and the air became so oxygenated my lungs almost burst with renewed breath! This other Lion was twice as big as this first, it's muscles rippled beneath the fur and skin, in such a way, you could see each individual working muscle move with each step. It's mane was of pure gold - it's teeth, were like ivory needles... the claws were diamonds, fashioned to shred all enemies to dust. This Lion, grabbed the first by the throat, and threw it off me with one blow! The battle was on. Each lion knew victory could only be obtained by the defeat of the other...
I rode the golden Lion's back, down to the ground for safety... and it charged the other lion away. When I was on the ground, and the golden Lion had me behind Him, guarding me... I could see all the fallen brothers and sisters, friends, family... on the ground... but they didnt look like they had previously. Some were dead wolves.... some were dead lions... The golden Lion roared, and out of the park, came more lions... all at His side... I myself became a lioness ... The first dark lion roared, and out of the shadows came a legion of small lions, like him... twisted, full of malice and hate... with an urge to destroy. Both lion prides stood their ground, the first lion's claws dug into the earth as he took his pouncing stance.... The golden Lion growled back and rolled His shoulders... preparing to attack.... Then, I woke up.
On That Day Ministries -
The Lion's Path 4.15.2015 - Wolves and Lions
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