Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Hesitation in th Face of Failure

I personally struggle being a mother and a parent. Not that I find my children difficult, but rather, I don't find myself adequate... or at-least... I often question if I am adequate for the job and tasks ahead of me. Its one of my fears... that I'm not good enough or that I won't be a good enough mother. Its something that is so important to me, and something I yearn for so much...

I was reading in my Bible, Proverbs 31 - reflecting on how I want and need to be a better wife... and what changes I can make, what changes I have made... and how I can improve more and more. Its very important to me, to be a good wife to my husband; its something I deeply desire... As I was reflecting I started to think and meditate on how I want to be a better mother as well... I know I am a good Aunt, and I know I am a good babysitter. I enjoy children, so much! They give me such happiness and I love being around them, playing with them, helping them grow and learn - but having them be mine, my own - I guess I am almost consumed by the fear/worry of messing the job up, I find it so challenging.... I dont have those fears or worries with other children, because they're not mine. I know I can give them back. I know I am only a temporary care-giver, a temporary guardian.... And then I thought of something.

Deuteronomy 10:14
To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it.

Psalm 24:1

The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it. The world and all its people belong to him.

Romans 14:5-8
 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord

My children... are not... mine. They are the Lord's! I am only a temporary guardian/care-taker... I am responsible for training them in the way of the Lord, for providing them with emotional, physical needs, until they are fully grown and responsible for themselves. It doesn't make my job any easier, in fact it may even make it a bigger responsibility... but reading these verses, just gave me a sense of peace. It made me realize that God has already given me the tools I need to train up my children in the way they should go. That I CAN do this job, and while I still have much learning and improvement to do... my hesitation and fear of failure is greatly diminished by peace of mind and spirit the Lord has granted me.

These blessings... My children, are not my own. They are the Lords and it is an honor, and a privilage to care for them... whether for an hour... or for 20 years + ...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Family Conference

I stared down the metaphorical barrel of my father's shotgun. *Gulp* I sat there at the dinning room table, waiting... watching my parents seat themselves across from me.What did I do now? Oh man... they never pull just me alone in here unless they want to discuss something important or... something I did wrong....

My father folded his hands. *Click* He cocked the shotgun... My mother folded her arms... Sweat began to roll down my forehead... beads following each other became a waterfall, and as my vision blurred, I heard my mother say: "Lanora, we have something to discuss with you." He raised the gun between my eyes. *Gulp* Father who art in Heaven, hallow be thy name.... I winced...

"We want to discuss, the different options you have to finish High School." I opened one eye, and raised and eyebrow... *Eh?* "We know you don't like your current one, so would you like to go to a different High School, or a Charter School, online?"

So, I get to choose, for myself, where I want to finished school, and an option is to stay home, and do all of my work over the computer? "Yes. Basically." My mother sat there patiently, awaiting my reply... My Father still sat at the end of the table, hands folded perfectly still, like a human made of stone. I couldn't believe it. I was being given the choice to not only choose my own School, but stay home in my pajamas, and mess around on a laptop... all day long. HA! Halleluiah! Fireworks went off all around me. I felt like Marty McFly, taking off his woven poncho and revealing a cast-iron shield, unbeknownst to his enemy! I dodged the bullet of my ultimate demise! I was invincible!! I am invincible!!!

*Eh-hrm* I heard my father, under his breath.... Oh, wait.... Reality struck me over the head. Yea, not invincible... just mortal... with a really cool choice in front of me....

I didn't know it at the time, but that moment, was a moment that would define me, and lead me on a path to my future.... the future I know now. My choice to finished High School online, changed who I was, who I am... and changed the way I view the world. It changed the way I view my youth, and the way I want to raise my own children. It allowed me to have so many life experiences others did not have, but it also took away experiences others had and I did not.... but I will never forget the moment, when my parents sat me down, and gave me the choice to decide for myself, my own future. Looking back, I find this moment, and I realize the trust and respect I was given to make my own choices. So thanks Mom and Dad, not only for the many life lessons, but for giving me that opportunity. It had a bigger impact than I, or yourselves realized....

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Wounded Dawn

 Beholding the scent of death the siege had left,
Clinging to a broken dream.
Cold, alone, and feeling now bereft -
Twas last time fair lady looked upon his noble gleam,
Her dearest Knight, whose plight doeth touch -
Twilight, broke with open wings outstretched before the earth;
Crimson stained clay matched the sky,
His presence lost all splendor and mirth.
With closing eyes, he marked her face;
Etching the echoed reality of his demise -
"Sweet darling thing!" He managed to remark.
"Do not fear, for death is but the next step I take.
I shall be with thee always - still, always have,
And always will." Turning from her shuddered cries,
Into sleeping slumber his soul did climb, until at
Last his goal was reached - beyond Heaven's eyes.

- Me