Friday, December 6, 2013

Happy Birthing Day

I stared in silence at the test results;
Positively anxious -
Curious -
Breathing with every pulse.

Was I prepared to be a mother?
Did I even know what to do?
Palm placed upon my womb...
How was I to care for you?

With every passing week -
My stomach began to swell...
Closer and closer now;
Soon we'd meet -
And only time would tell -

Do you have your father's eyes?
My grandfather's chin?
Will you be ornery and stubborn?
If we fight, who would win?

To feel your life inside of me;
Kicking to get out...
Rolling and tumbling through the night;
Growing like a sprout...

Counting down the weeks,
Then counting the days...
Patiently waiting -
To meet my child; to see your face.

The pain begins;
First my aching back...
I moan in grief, and struggle...
Wanting to attack!

Fear is blinded by hot tears,
Running down my face!
I don't know if I have the strength;
Labor quickens pace!

My arms are weak and tired,
My legs are giving out...
How can I continue -
Exhausted - without a doubt!

I shake in frustration;
As I push; and strive!
Sweating with exultation;
Helping you get out; alive!

Then...the silence hits.
I hear your voice among the crowd.
Everything is still. Peaceful.
And I smile tearfully; proud...

For there you are;
Laying upon my chest.
Evidence of nine long months...
I thank God; For I am blessed.

The pain fades way,
As I cling you close to me...
Innocently you suckle -
And drift to sleep peacefully.

"It's so nice to finally meet you.."
I whisper in your ear...
"Happy Birthing Day;
My precious little dear."

- Me

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Toddler Opportunity

Scrub, scrape glides the sponge.
Squeak, swish, bubbling soap across the counter...
Elbow grease increases production -
Determination growing more intense...

Small steps in the distance,
Coming closer... louder...
Thump. Thump. Pitter. Patter.
Still, the scrubbing continues.
Thump. Pitter. Thump. Patter.
Washing intently - making things clean.

An opportunity is noticed.
The moment of chance taken.
Tear - crinkle - crunch -
Silence over takes the room.
Sponge is dropped in its place.

To none avail - she turns.
Looks. Little feet running in the distance.
Crinkled paper upon the floor...
The cabinet has been opened -

For while she turned,
Counter getting a wipe..
The toddler has been successful -
The dark chocolate has been swiped!

Monday, October 28, 2013

How Are you? How AM I?

'Hi, how are you?' I hear them say -
Some with a smile, Others walk away...
A few shake my hand, with a nod;
Expecting the socially acceptable response.
'Good, Just fine, Doing well, and you?'
Conversation over; pleasantly nonchalant.
'Hi, How are you?' What a simple social greeting -
As it flows from their mouths - practiced without feeling.
'Fine, just fine, and you?' - I acceptably remark.
'Couldnt be better.' Again, it's over. Words cold and dark.
'How are you?' Echoes in my mind.
'How AM I?' I think, pausing for a moment...
Do they truly want to know?
Are they seeking my soul or expecting the status quo?
How AM I? I ask myself again,
Some days are good... others have no end.
'How are you?' How does one respond?
I feel lost and shaken, the earth crumbling at my feet..
I couldn't sleep last night.. I've had nothing to eat.
My hair is falling out from worry...
I only want a friend... someone whose question of
How I am; is sincere to the end.
How AM I? Repeats and repeats... as ripples across the water...
Spooling out from the boulder tied to my feet.
Sinking, sinking farther still... Water rising towards my chest.
Standing breathless; concentrating all my will.
How AM I? 'Oh I'm doing just fine'
No emotional trauma here. Everything is divine!
For if I was to say; exactly how I am, the boulder would be seen.
And that isnt acceptable;
It would make my existence and yours.. less pristine.
For you would have some responsibility;
Knowing the truth behind the lie;
And you have no desire to confront the demon's cave;
To reach in with both hands and save me from my watery grave.
So how am I? Pondering my response still...
"Good." I reply. The lie tastes bitter in my mouth;
Hidden behind my teeth, completing my charade.
"And you?" - 'Great!' I hear you say, as you tap my shoulder...
And then walk away...

Monday, October 21, 2013

Juicing, Detox, Liver/Gallbladder Cleanse! Simultaneously.

Juicing Day 1:

Woke up 7am this morning. I had the intention of waking up at 5am, so I could go for a brisk walk while the house was asleep. I mean, when else is a SAHM going to work-out without kids and have free childcare (i.e. Hubby sleeping at home with them). But alas... I fell on the stairs last night and bruised my hip/bum... and hurt the tendons in my left foot. So no brisk walk this morning! I fully intend to walk around the lake with the kiddos later on after they eat breakfast; so I can at least have the stroller to lean on. Frustrating... Anyways, back to juicing!

Breakfast - Fuji apples, golden delicious apples, broccoli, and a yellow pepper!

This wasnt exactly a recipe - I was just trying to get rid of the fruit/veggies we had left in the fridge. I still have lots of peppers, lots of golden delicious apples (all from our garden) but those Fuji Apples. Those are the worst tasting apples Ive ever bought from the store. No wonder my 20month old was tossing them around the house like balls... And the pepper didnt exactly help the broccoli... Ha. Ive definitely had worst tasting things. Thankfully though, this is palatable... and I am going to be downing this for lunch too! (pray for me!)

Saturday, September 28, 2013

I'm not sad; I'm heart broken.

I may have not been your friend... but you were mine. You were my family... and I will always love you; even when it's not returned... but I can't keep crying over you. I can't keep mourning over friendship that never grew fruit... or that wasn't strong enough to survive petty gossip... or respectful enough towards one another to speak openly and honestly, face to face... if I do; I can't grow or flourish. And this is hard for me; letting go without closure... but that's the way you want things. And I accept that. And it will still hurt when I see you at the grocery store, or the park... but it will be a pain in passing memory... nothing more. Because the silence is killing me... and I want to live.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

You Have Been Mine...

Six years my love; You have been mine -
To hold, and cherish for all that time.
Our love has grown ever strong;
Daily, Hourly, and Lifelong...

We couldn't know - so ever long ago,
How much we'd change, Or
How much we'd grow...
We couldn't fathom at that time,
How our selfishness would come to light -
Battling over who was right...

Seventy-two months; You have been mine -
A friend, a lover, a Valentine.
You've put your childhood things away,
Replacing them with long work days...

I see you sweat, and worry so -
All out of love, Your pastimes forego...
How much we've changed; How little we were prepared...
After all this time; My love for you, has me ensnared.

Two thousand, one hundred and ninety-one days; You have been mine -
Caring for our family; Keeping our budget in a guideline.
We've fought, and yelled - laughed and cried;
Learned to not be enemies; but instead, allies.

It never occurred how we could be consumed;
By the instant love of a child, inside my womb...
A life created, Love Multiplied...
Teaching us; what's important in life.

Fifty-two thousand, five hundred and ninety-four hours; You have been mine -
A sprout was our love, created under God's design.
Husband, and Wife - we have been...
Father and Mother... for the third time, again!

When we stepped down from the alter,
We didnt have a plan -
It would have been wise; But with that,
Where's the adventure? Where is the surprise!

I've counted the years, months, days, and hours; You have been mine -
My best friend beside me; Two souls; combined.
Thank you for the journey. Thank you for all the years;
I love you always, and forever, my dear.

- <3 -


Happy 6th Anniversary Nathan!


Sunday, March 31, 2013

New Beginnings - Fresh Start

I feel like I am coming full circle. I have been struggling with my mental health for so long, and have been trying to patch the holes and cracks in my life, instead of fixing the foundation. Like a crack in a huge dam, that keeps getting puttied over and over - when instead the dam needed to be replaced.

I mentally snapped not too long ago, and damaged some bridges with friends that may be damaged beyond repair - but the silver lining is - it forced me to wake up and start being PRO-ACTIVE about my life and my struggles, and actually DO something about it, and FIX the problem(s) instead of crying about/ treating the symptoms.

I've started to go to therapy and am learning how to cope and to assess situations - and most importantly - I have been able to eliminate all needless stress in my life - which has been such an uplifting experience. I am starting to feel mentally competent and healthy again. Which is a HUGE relief.

Physically - I am still struggling. Nathan and I found out my cycle was so screwed up because of my hormones and a miscarriage that my body did not release...  I had to go to the doctor and take some medication to force my body into 'labor' and was able to fully release the fetus... It has been very hard. And getting my hormones back on track since Orin was born - has been a real challenge. But I've started some new supplements and my hormone levels are back up! I've also been getting my thyroid treated - and am on a medication/supplements for that. I am really starting to feel better! I have no more insomnia - I can actually fall asleep when I get tired and sleep through the night... I have energy and PATIENCE with the kids. I've also been eating better and exercising more. I am not doing those things hard enough - but I have taken all junk-food out of the house and now that the weather is nice the kids and I have been taking walks and going to the park a LOT!

I feel emotionally drained - and spiritually drained - but I also feel I am on the mend and ready to be renewed. I've taken my pastor's challenge to read at least ten minutes of the Bible (doesnt matter where) before I leave the house, each time before I leave the house... I have been faithful at least once a day before I leave. Usually before I leave to get Isaac from school. I will make myself some tea or coffee, get out my highlighter, and randomly open my Bible and soak it all in.

I've been transitioning over the past few months, and these last steps, making myself and my health a priority has been so encouraging and fulfilling and I feel like a more complete person.

I am so ready for this new chapter in my life - and I am embracing all these new changes and looking forward to the future.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Snowed In And Loving It

Today we were snowed in. I was a bit disappointed at first because I had made plans and had my day schedule and knew exactly how I was going to go about my day and what I was going to do with it! Getting snowed in wasn't exactly on the list... HOWEVER - I decided to to enjoy today! I used it as a great opportunity to clean my house which desperately needed my attention. My husband stayed awake after coming home from work, made us breakfast... ate with us. Watch a TV show with us, cuddled... and just enjoyed our time being together. We then took a nice nap after reading some nursery rhymes and giggling at how funny they were... and when I woke up, I decided to get to work!

I put on 'Wreck It Ralph' for the kids to watch, and baby-proofed the living room, added some baby-gates and started cleaning the kitchen and downstairs bathroom and laundry area... I then moved upstairs and cleaned the bathroom, made the beds, moved the futon to clean under it... gathered a few things to Craigslist and post the advertisements. I got almost everything done. I still have to put away the laundry, and vacuum and wash the carpets/stairs. But I decided to stop for the day and concentrate on dinner. Isaac helped me make some macaroni noodles and cut up some green beans and he helped count out some chicken nuggets. He was so joyful to be included and it was so sweet to have his help  - I love that boy! I got the dishwasher loaded and the floor swept and then a good friend of mine came over to talk and just vent for a while...

We had  a good talk, and my husband even joined in! He was so gracious and helpful... and kind. It made me take a step back and realize how far we have come in our relationship... My friend's problems were very much like our past problems that we've faced as a couple... problems which arent exactly problems anymore... mostly bad memories. And I never before realized before tonight - JUST how much we've grown together... how much we've learned from one another.... it made me so proud to sit by him, watch and listen to him speak - and see my bestfriend, my love, my husband.... grow and lead me, and to be so compassionate to my friend and her husband.

I often take my husband for granted... and I very often dont express to him how much he is appreciated or realize how much he actually sacrifices for me... I mean today - I apologized to him for a HUGE wrong I had done him, and he just held my face in his hand, so gently.... and said, "If you've done that, its ok. I forgive you and I love you" - just like that... it made my heart melt...

I have a good man; and I am ever so thankful - more so now than ever before...

Monday, February 25, 2013

Make Your Own Monday

I love bagels. My favorite way is to slather them with cream cheese, and my ultimate favorite cream cheese spread is Honey & Nuts. Oh How I love it! I never buy it though because its too expensive and with cream cheese (plain) already being high, I need to buy plain so I can use it with more things... Alfredo sauce... quiche... egg casserole.... Anyways - last week Nathan bought me the Honey & Nut cream cheese spread as a treat and some bagels! It was so sweet of him and this morning, I opened the fridge to find out we were out of my honey & nut spread  :(  Boo...

So - I decided to make my own!!! I know, I know... not a huge revelation, but it was to me! Why? Because I have been depriving myself all this time when I easily could have made it myself for so much cheaper!! So I did  :)

First I placed to the side two empty containers. Then, I took 4oz of cream cheese and one 0.63oz pkg of natural almonds and blended them together in a mini food processor. I then added about half a tablespoon of raw organic honey for my first spread! I enjoyed this with some apple-cinnamon English muffins.  My second I took the other 4oz of cream cheese and blended it with three-four tablespoons of nutella hazelnut spread for a chocolatey treat on some honey-wheat bagels later in the week!

I know this isnt a huge deal or anything to brag about, but I was really excited. And so were the kids, I think we'll be having a lot more fun making our own spreads and trying out new flavors from here on out!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

My Little Valentine's

Our Valentine's Day Week started out with me making Isaac this hat! He has been asking when he will get his own mustache and beard, so I made him one! He helped picked out the colors and was so patient letting me measure him - he has worn it to school every day this week!  :)

On Valentine's Day - the kids Great Grandma Nance' and Great Grandpa Richard got them their own baskets of little gifts. Pencils, nick-nacks and PUZZLES! Evelyn immediately wanted to complete her puzzle and placed her Love-Antenna upon her head and wore them for two days straight! She is such a ham  ;)

Isaac tore into his basket! He wrote his name on ALL the Valentines and gave them to friends the next day for their Vday party - and of course had to start his puzzle immediately...  :)  Thank you great Grams and Gramps! The kids felt so special

Oma and Opa sent bags of marshmellows and M&Ms and little chocolate boxes. Orin has never eaten a marshmellow before... he helped Isaac and Evelyn almost polish off a complete bag! It was a little ridiculous... and yet impressive!

Isaac also received a SONIC sweatshirt. He loves Sonic the Hedgehog. He immediately stripped down and put it on. Evelyn received a purple sweatshirt and Orin got a Buzz Lightyear one. They will be nice and warm  :)

Evelyn not only devoured her marshmellows, but she stopped and wondered what she would look like with a piggy nose. Because these marshmellows reminded her of them for some reason! Ha..

Now here comes the awesome part of my Valentine's Day! Nathan had these GORGEOUS flowers delivered (blue roses and lilies are my fav!) And with the flowers came a note... It said 'go upstairs to the closet' - so I did, and there was another note saying 'Look behind me!' and There was this jewelry chest and inside of it was a love letter hand written on papyrus paper and he also got me a bracelet.... it was a very romantic treasure hunt and so sweet and thought out  :)  He treated me to a dinner date and breakfast in bed the next morning and even got a sitter for the kids that night too!

Since we had an evening without the children, we wanted to do something special as a family! The kids Christmas money went towards a Zoo Membership - so since it was 50-F we decided to head straight from church to the Zoo! They are currently working on their tortoise exhibit (even though the little guys are inside since its too cold for them) but that didnt stop us from enjoying what was completed  ;)

Yes, even I had a go at it too!  :-D

Then this week we decided to do puzzles and draw and play all sorts of new games... like Zingo... Smurf Candlyland, Memory, Go-Fish! Isaac without being told, drew a picture of his Great Grandma June...! This just cracks me up, because it actually looks like her! I love it!!

And tonight - Isaac had his first go at Scrabble. He didnt quite get it at first and we ended up not finishing the game (which is understandable because he is only four!) but we ended up building words on the side and sounding them out together - this is how far we got before he became bored and wanted to do something else... Still one proud Mama though!  ;)

I had such a good week with my kids. They fill me with such joy! I cannot believe that tomorrow, my baby, my last one, will be a year old... where has the time gone! I dont know... but I am so thankful for the time I have been given and realize how blessed I am to have the opportunity to be in their lives today, so I can be in their memories tomorrow...! <3

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Standing on the Brink of Change

I am starting a new season of life... I've felt the changes stirring for some time, but now I stand upon the brink.

I feel a great calling from the Lord to change. Not just my Spiritual walk with him, but everything, as a whole. And I see now that all this 'stress' in my life, all these people and circumstances causing/giving me grief are not my responsibility. They never were; so why am I allowing them to cause such a disturbance in my life? Honestly; I dont know why I was, but no longer.

I want to be refreshed in the Lord. To hold him and no other higher, to give him my cares and woes and to allow him to take care of things for me. I am tired of being tired. Tired of being stressed out, sick and tired of being undervalued and ignored by others. Its time to start being with people who truly care for me back. Who are investing in my life, as I have been and will invest in theirs. People who are reaching out in love and in Godly fellowship and care... it is high time I start filling my life with Godly women - and forsake those old friends/acquaintances who are stunting my growth in the Lord and sucking all my time and energy away from Him and my family. It is time for those things to change.

It is also time to change my priorities. While these women and men whom I've been spending time with, and hope to in the future, are important, they are not more important than my family and God. It is time I start to focus more on my children and my husband... not that I wasnt before - but start to make them my greatest care. To find not only contentment with staying home, but rather make them my joy to be around! If I am stuck at home every night with crying babies and toddlers - let me relish in the blessings that they are and be reminded at how fortunate I am to BE AT HOME with my children while many mothers cannot. I need to change my priorities and my perceptions of my circumstances.

And while I know it is time to make these changes - I am neither hesitant nor fearful - but instead, I am over-come with sadness of the wastefulness that has been spent upon other things/people in the past. That regret puts a fire inside of me to not do the same here on out. And for that I am most grateful...

This is my prayer - That God would keep a fire in my belly to search hard after him. That by finding him and daily seeking a relationship, I would be a good steward of my children and my husband. And that being a good steward I would with urgency and faithfulness train up my children in the way they should go, hard after Him... and in the process of training them, be a respectful and obedient wife, supporting with tenderness and affection my husband in all his endeavors. Praying for him, and them, without ceasing - to be a support for them and a place of safe refuge and of wise Biblical counsel. To care for them in wisdom and understanding - to be wise with my time and disciplined in the Word... to be a good friend to those God has called me to be, and to be a loving witness and on-ramp for His glory and sanctification in others lives, saved and unsaved. To be a good and faithful servant of God in all the ways he has called me to be - and to let go of all the worldly poison and toxic friendships and ideals I have succumbed to - to set myself apart from the World and live wholly and holy for Him.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Something Old, Inspired To Be New

I love a well done roast chicken. My favorite way is perhaps the most classic; lemon, garlic, thyme, rosemary, oregano - but hey - if it isnt broke, why fix it? Well, today... I decided, why not try roasting it a new way? My inspiration? Turkey. My favorite way to cook turkey, is to stuff it with onions, carrots and celery - then roast it upside-down, covering it in a butter bath with poultry herbs/seasonings (fresh if I can get them). Roasting the turkey upside-down almost always guarantees juicy breast meat (which is the best part). The natural under-belly fats and gravity help draw the juices down into the breast and when the bird is almost done, I turn up the heat, flip it over and roast it until the outside skin is crispy. Ah, glorious every time! So, I took the same principle and decided to do it with chicken, but with a twist! I took the bird, rinsed him/her with cold water, emptied the cavity, and filled the little guy with cilantro, carrots and onions. Then I took some chili oil, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano, parsley and rubbed it down. I roasted the chicken for about two and a half hours at 375-F...

Oh, this bird... is perhaps my new favorite way to eat roasted chicken! Its so juicy and tender and has this little kick from the chili oil and a zip of tang from the cilantro.... I am so happy and delighted at how well it turned out. I will definitely be doing this again!

My plans for the little bird are to make a teriyaki blend and then mix with shredded chicken; wrap the mixture in nappa cabbage, and steam in a crock-pot over rice for a healthy and flavor-punched dinner tomorrow!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Randomness of Life, Scents of Lavender, and Living Wholly In the Lord

2013 is my year of refreshment and rest. Not just Physical, but Emotional and Spiritual rest too. The Lord has been going a great work in me, that is just beginning, even though it feels as never-ending construction zone.... But thats the thing - IT IS NEVER-ENDING! It used to fill me with such dread and fear - resentment - and now - I have just hope and joy.

Between four pregnancies in five years, birthing three children in that time via cesarean.... getting married.... being a wife, a mother... a daughter-in-law... I am no longer the same person I was six  - seven years ago. I am someone new, someone entirely different. Its astonishing at the changes that have occurred .. and what is more astonishing to me, is the stubbornness and pigheadedness that I have encountered from MYSELF! Marriage speeds up sanctification through Christ.... but having children boosts it into TURBO! I never knew how selfish I was (am)... I never knew how little I actually knew about life - about scripture and the Lord.... My children have truly been a blessing to me. Thank you God for the beautiful blessings you have bestowed in my care.... Thank you for using them to teach me patience.... selflessness.... love... understanding... and so much more

Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Its amazing how random my days are. And yet, they all involve the care and upbringing of my children, the organization of my house, and the devotion to my husband ... but I find myself baking pot pies one day... knitting hats another... making soap... canning... sewing an apron... embroidering pillowcases... teaching the children 'please' and 'thank you' in German and Spanish... Sign-language... I never imagined my life would entail so many random projects or bits of knowledge involving little pieces of this or that. But I am beginning to see all the randomness is part of one giant picture... one giant plan - making me more well-rounded... more knowledgeable... and more able to parent better and train my children. We are studying piano right now. It involves hand-eye coordination, counting, rhythm, the alphabet! Knitting helps with those things too. So does baking/cooking. I am starting to realize how teaching them simple survival skills, making them self-sufficient young adults (in time) is also helping them learn now. I am home-schooling without even meaning to. Which is giving me the confidence to push forward and home-school more readily and easily.

I also became a Young Living Essential Oils Distributor. I have been exploring more natural remedies to help with Isaac's clubbed foot, Orin's kidney reflux... my lady-bits issues. My husband's clubbed feet... our emotional stability... I am currently using Lavender the most for myself... It can act as a deodorant, with no harsh chemicals or cancer-causing side effects. It helps calm my youngest down for bed/nap time... soothes burns... scars... stretch marks....  I now smell of Lavender - and love it! Valor and PanAway are ones I used on Nathan today... he said he instantly felt the effects (particularly Valor) and immediately relaxed... which is so hard for him to do after a day at work. I am starting to use Thieves, Purification, Frankincense, Lemon, and Orange oil on my youngest with Kidney Reflux - my goal is to take him off the antibiotics and fully transition him, and our entire family onto plant-food based supplements and essential oils instead of animal-food based supplements and chemicals, and antibiotics. Its wont be an over-night thing of course, but it is part of the transition I am fully willing and eager to make.

I have been so convicted to live more in Faith and Trust in God's sovereignty , His provision... He intended for us to live off the land... gave us plants, herbs... as a means of nourishment, and healing. Why are we all so dependent upon the FDA and Tyson to provide for us what God has already given? Because it is more convenient; because it is the time we are living in? Convenience aside - we were created with a specific plan and given all these blessings and available means of thriving in our environment and we as a society have gone so far away from God's original design and intent for us. Did you know cancer can be cured by a combination of essential oils and plants? Frankincense can break the blood-brain barrier... We have all these amazing tools which only enhance our bodies not destroy them, right at our fingertips, and we dont use them. This is my personal conviction - you dont have to agree.... but I want to start being self-sufficient - living off the land as God intended... growing my own food, canning my own food... using the tools God has already provided to give my children the best possible life I can. I want to live holy in Christ, and live wholly in His plans... not just by Spiritual Theology and Convictions, but by his original design and plans for us. Getting back to basics in the Word and in how I care for and provide for my family, using God's blue-print as my guide...